The Fishcake Palace
by Lord Mendasuit
Summary: A fancy name for a rather small bar, but it didn't matter. So long as you brought a friendly face, the owner would meet you with a dazzling, charming smile, a listening ear and a piece of advice or two. Because what the bartender hears is secret, isn't it?


Originally, I wasn't gonna post this but then I went 'Eh, what the hell' and decided to post it.

* * *

Every village has its traditions.

The ninja villages, the ones hidden behind their environment and the ones behind the shadow of the daimyo, were no different in this regard, despite their many differences with standard villages in many others. Indeed, there were traditions to spare in said ninja villages. These ranged from family traditions to even village-wide customs.

It's within the nature of the human being to settle into tradition, or so it would appear from a cursory glance.

Being a ninja village, Konohagakure had its fair share of ridiculous and nonsensical customs, to the eyes of many a civilian. After all, most would balk at the thought of making children of twelve kill people for a living, and the ones that didn't? Well, they usually were outcasts.

Ninja worked on an entirely different set of morality constraints that non ninja did, and this reflected in their traditions. Konohagakure was a village known for its highly thriving adult industry, to varying levels of adulthood.

Unlike many of its peers, Konoha still placed heavy restrictions on what the genin were allowed to do, down to the specifics. Adults or not, they still frowned upon children under a certain age participating in certain activities, mostly of the sexual persuasion. This didn't stop the occasional genin under a good enough henge from sneaking into a brothel, but they were caught swiftly and heavily reprimanded.

Fines were not uncommon, in this instance.

Something that the genin were allowed to do, however, was something that most adults found highly addicting and even intoxicating. Gambling. The sport of the rich, in which massive quantities of cold, hard cash could be won just as easily as they could be lost. The Land of Fire had the most successful and thriving gambling industry, with major casinos in several of its more popular cities.

Konoha did not have a large enough casino to merit mentioning, but it did have several that were relatively high class. The large red light district could be compared to an entire separate village in its own right, one in which sin and vice reigned supreme. Well, provided you didn't break the rules set by the Hokage.

Those were viciously enforced by the ANBU in the area, and given how absurdly loyal the owners of some of the more important establishments in the area were to the Hokage, most people found themselves falling into line. It was not an uncomfortable line by any means, but it certainly did crush some of the dreams of reckless fun new arrivals had.

There were three major establishments in the red light district of Konoha. The biggest and most important brothel was the first that most people wondered about, as it was coincidentally the most important legal brothel in the entirety of the Fire Country. For good reason, in fact, as its owner was none other than the Toad Sannin himself, Jiraiya, no last name known. Were one to ask how he got the idea, they would most likely find themselves surprised to know it came from the Sandaime Hokage.

After all, brothels happen to be very good places in which to hide, gather information or do a variety of sneaky things without drawing a lot of suspicion. Having a good two or three gal pals that were willing to cover for you in a pinch helped.

Jiraiya had been in so many brothels that he'd learned how they worked inside out… and been disgusted at many of the lower class ones. In his disgust, he'd been challenged, provoked by the words 'Let's see you do better!' and so he had. Clean, safe, sane and consensual. The motto that those in his care lived by. Good wages and living conditions attracted attractive women willing to sell their bodies, good rooms and service attracted customers willing to pay for them.

Jiraiya's fame and plugging his House with his books (including discount coupons in each copy) had lead him to have a thriving business. It'd taken a lot of capital to get off the ground, what with having had to hire expensive artists (because to him, they were nothing less than such), but Jiraiya was a very experienced, very powerful ninja who could make positively ludicrous amounts of money in relatively short times, so it wasn't an issue.

The Sandaime chipping in didn't hurt, either, though it was probably best that the man's contributions to Jiraiya's venture remain secret. Public relations nightmare, that.

Then there was Konoha's very own stadium. More often than not, there was some kind of spectacle to be witnessed in it. Whether it be some sporting competition that had escalated to wildly propagating popularity or tournaments in which shinobi displayed their art for all to see, whether during the chunin exams or during exhibition tournaments (because despite the need to keep certain things secret, there was a bigger need to showcase strength as a mercenary force), it was something that all wanted to be a part of.

Built by collaboration between Senju and Uchiha long ago, the building was a colossal creation of iron, wood and concrete. More solid than the walls of the capital of any country, bigger than the palace of any daimyo and designed with acoustics and visibility on mind, it was just as much of a landmark as it was a functional building. A tourist attraction even when not in use, it was something any visitor would have to see at the very least once in their lives.

Many an artistic troupe would show their talents in the massive building, displays that ranged from the family friendly at times of day to the highly erotic well into the night, it offered entertainment for all ages.

It also provided great amusement for those who were to see the crushed faces of the genin who tried to sneak into it through climbing the walls, finding them a rather difficult opponent in such an endeavor.

Finally, there is the focus of this little tale. By now, you must be wondering why I spoke of traditions when I began this silly little ramble of mine. There is a point in that, and I shall explain when it becomes relevant, shortly. The last place to describe is not a grand, massive and impressive building. It is not built from the hands of an expert in the matter with years of experience, unfathomable power and incredible knowledge.

It is a place that is not known for its lavish decoration, nor is it known for its impressive facilities.

For indeed, it had neither. When the owner had built it, there had been a considerable shortage of the necessary funds to set forth in such an adventure. Nonetheless, a determined will and a crafty, clever mind had seen through to the completion of a little project that had spent years in the making.

It was a tiny little bar, not more than three blocks away from the Stadium and only two blocks away from Jiraiya's Cathouse, yet suffering from being in an out of the way alley that really didn't help despite the otherwise ideal location. It was this bar that had been built by the sweat, blood and tears of a single person, that being its owner.

And today, for the first time, it is opening its gates to whoever wishes to relax with a good drink, good service and a nice atmosphere. Perhaps play a little pool or partake in a game or two of poker with friends during the wee hours of the morning. It didn't matter to the owner of the Fishcake Palace.

So long as you brought a friendly face, the owner would meet you with a dazzling, charming smile, a listening ear and a piece of advice or two. Because what the bartender hears is secret, isn't it?

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto was just sitting there, tending bar when in walks in one of the most influential figures in Konoha. Someone who usually can't go three steps in the clear public without creating a commotion of some sort. For it is none other than the very leader of the military dictatorship itself, still wearing his ceremonial robes and hat. A small, friendly smile drew itself on the aged leader's face as he saw the face of his adopted grandchild.

"Good evening, Naruto." Greeted the old man, bowing slightly as he sat on a surprisingly comfortable and soft stool. The very new seat had seen its first use reserved for the most important person who would ever sit on it, as far as Naruto could have been concerned.

"Hiya, old man." Naruto greeted warmly, grabbing a piece of cloth and settling in the traditional bar tender's duty of polishing clean glasses. Despite the shine of the ornate glass mug, there was never anything that was too clean. "What can I get ya?"

The Hokage smiled. "I am but a humble visitor. You wouldn't expect the esteemed Sandaime Hokage to drink vodka in a bar in the middle of the red light district, do you?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

Naruto chuckled, putting down the mug with the rest of its kind and making a few swift and showy moves to grab a much smaller glass off the shelves standing behind the counter. A cursory glance revealed that the entire shelf that was directly behind where Naruto had been perched was covered, from floor level to just above Naruto's reach, in many different kinds of glasses for different purposes.

The other shelves that lined the furthest wall of the bar were lined with many bottles holding different kinds and sizes of alcoholic beverages, liquors and wines, distilled and fermented drinks. Basically, there was enough alcohol there to get Tsunade drunk enough to smell rainbows.

There weren't enough tables to seat the people that would be necessary to drink it all, as it was a small and cozy place suited more to one or two groups of friends rather than constant traffic. But Naruto liked it that way, having never done good in crowds. Coming from being the one the crowds are running after.

Had Naruto not been dumb enough to claim credit for turning their underwear bright orange, they might not have been angry, but that's neither here nor there.

"Any preference?" Asked the bright blond haired bartender, settling the glass in front of the Kage, casually motioning to a selection of four different bottles of vodka, each of which marked with a different logo on the plaque below it, mirroring the forehead protectors that shinobi wore. In order from left to right, they were Kumo, Kiri, Suna and Oni.

"I am a patriot, Naruto." Sarutobi said, smiling. "You know that I like the local brew best."

"You might be the only one who does." Naruto said, letting out a high pitched chuckle that might have been a giggle. "I swear I don't know how this stuff doesn't burn your throat something fierce." Without much further ado, however, the bottle was retrieved from under the counter and opened for the first time since it had been bought.

"Helps with Fire Jutsu." Sarutobi admitted, grinning as Naruto poured him the highly alcoholic beverage that he had ordered. A fifth or two wouldn't hurt, being certainly well below the threshold where it'd start affecting his thought processes, and it'd take the edge off a rather nerve wracking morning. So he downed it without much consideration. His eyes widened slightly for a second as the drink went down. "It's the only thing strong enough to give me that rush."

"You're crazy." Naruto said, laughing as the Hokage agreed tacitly. "Well, I can say business is going swell for the time being."

"Kakashi promised to come with his team, didn't he?" Asked Sarutobi, seeming to fall in thought for a second.

"So did Kurenai and Asuma. I still can't believe Kakashi passed a team." Naruto said, falling into thought. "Not given how much time he spends looking for reasons to fail his teams. Are his reports still as bad as they were?"

"I think they're getting worse with time. He's got a personal vendetta against the reviewing committee since they forced him to start giving out fair bell tests instead of rigged ones, so he's been taking it out on them by writing obscenely long reports detailing why he's failing the students, and he's just too good at bullshit for them to pick out which reasons are false from the ones that are the truth." Sarutobi said. "I'm so glad I can delegate paperwork." He added, grinning ruefully.

"Can't see the old guys being too happy with that one." Naruto admitted, smiling cheerfully.

"Actually, I think Danzo has a perverse fascination with Kakashi's reports." Sarutobi confided, moving closer to Naruto and speaking in a conspirational whisper.

"It does give lots of opportunities for sarcastic and snarky remarks." Naruto spoke, fingers drumming against the dark wood of the counter. Then the sun light suddenly pierced into the bar as the door was opened and a silver haired man walked in, flanked on both sides by a pair of kids clearly absolutely out of place.

Naruto let a smile appear. "Oh my, my, Kakashi. I never thought I'd see you of all people as a daycare service."

Kakashi smiled under his mask, noticeable by the slight contortions of it. "Yeah, well, I seem to be getting rusty. I tried my hardest to fail them but they got the test's point in time."

"Um… Kakashi-sensei… why are we in this dingy little bar in the middle of the red light district?" Asked a pink haired girl that Naruto just found outright adorable. "And is that… Hokage-sama!?"

The sound of the gasps of surprise coming from the other two genin was like music to all the higher ranked shinobi in the bar. "Well, Sakura, you will find that all jounin sensei have certain traditions they uphold. For example, it is traditional for jounin sensei to take their students to sample the vices that shinobi fall prey to in an effort to drive you guys away from them. Me? I think that's just inviting trouble." Kakashi admitted. "But Naruto here is an old friend of mine and this place's pretty safe, all things considered."

"So basically, you brought us here to get royally plastered." The one that Naruto had dubbed the most intelligent of the group, a dark haired, oddly familiar boy spoke, sounding dismissive as he did.

"I don't know whether this is weird or incredibly awesome." A third one spoke, being the group's clown. Naruto already liked the kid. If only for the adorable white puppy poking out of his jacket.

"Not really. Maybe have a taste or two of alcohol, but I'm not gonna let you guys get drunk. That's what we do when you survive your first chunin exams." Kakashi explained, his smile evident even in his masked face. "While technically legal, you will find that not many stores will sell you guys alcohol for the simple reason that it's frowned upon for fresh genin to drink."

"It just so happens to be that your sensei is very cheap and I'm the only establishment that won't look at him weirdly for bringing kids with him." Naruto confirmed. "And what he's not mentioning is that Konoha doesn't adhere to the 'Sex' part of the three shinobi vices. It's usually just gambling and alcohol for us."

"Usually?" the pink haired girl asked.

"Yes. Though rare, it does happen that sometimes a sensei will introduce his genin to things he should not." Sarutobi spoke. "I do trust that Kakashi is responsible enough not to do something highly illegal, though. Now, Sakura-chan, Sasuke-kun, Kiba-kun, please excuse me as I must return to my duties. Kakashi, I expect a full report as usual and Naruto… I'll see you tonight, we'll play a game or two."

Naruto nodded cheerfully, waving the Hokage away as he went past the still shocked genin. "So, guys, how's life as a shinobi treating ya?"

"We're just recently graduated…" Sakura began.

"… But it'll be awesome!" Kiba said, grinning widely.

"Hn." Sasuke added.

"Wow, you've got the greenest genin I've seen in a while, Nii-san." Naruto said, turning to Kakashi.

"They've got potential. I don't know if I want to do anything about it yet, though." Kakashi said, rubbing his chin. "Give me four saucers and a bottle of unmarked sake."

"You cheapskate, you aren't even gonna treat your genin to something halfway decent?" Naruto spoke, raising both eyebrows so high they almost disappeared into the bangs that fell down in spikes. "They'll dislike alcohol the rest of their lives if they drink the same cheap saltwater you pour down your throat every day!"

"That's the point." Kakashi let out in a lazy drawl.

Naruto sighed. "You're just trying to make me pay out of my own pocket for this, you ass. You know I don't like seeing genin abused."

"You're just too easy to manipulate." Kakashi admitted.

Naruto pouted, then moved forward, leaning over the counter. "You're mean, did you know that?"

Meanwhile, the genin had been seated at a table close to the counter. "Is Sensei flirting with the bartender?" Sakura asked, looking halfway surprised and halfway pissed off. She turned to look at her teammates, hoping to see them agree with her on the opinion that it was highly inappropriate to take them to a bar, much less flirt with the bartender there in their presence.

However, both boys were very clearly mesmerized by the sight their eyes were glued to, and Sakura followed the lines drawn in the air by their intent stares. Her eyes narrowed and a scowl marred her innocent, youthful features. Because for the first time, she'd taken the time to look at the bartender closely.

Specifically, she looked at the bartender's chest and the melons glued to her chest. Sakura was not having nice thoughts as she appraised the get up the bartender had chosen, that being a soft blue kimono with a slit on either side that went so high up it revealed the entirety of her legs (visible as she moved beyond the counter to accompany Kakashi to their table), being hidden by the orange sash around her waist. At that point, Sakura was wondering how much use the garment really was.

The kimono was very loosely clinging to her upper body, leaving her shoulders bare and her neck covered only with a simple, soft blue choker. Her entire body was on display from the clothes she wore, and it was certainly a body to be proud of and flaunt, being only slightly shorter than the reasonably tall Kakashi and proportioned just right.

The nearly golden blonde hair was certainly nice to look at, and its shine told Sakura that whatever products that girl was using were clearly superior to her own. It fell in a cascade of untamed, and seemingly untamable, spikes down her back, some bangs falling forward, nearly long enough to cover her eyes but falling just short of doing so. The girl's blue eyes were just too beautiful to be true, and she found herself blushing when she looked at them. They were just so warm and inviting and kind that it felt wrong to be angry at her.

Even the black line-like scars on her cheeks didn't detract from the nearly ethereal beauty, if anything, they enhanced the entire image. The entirety of her demeanor further complimented her, showing herself as nonthreatening, gentle and positively harmless.

Sakura was certain that the only reason the kimono she wore didn't fall off was because she'd glued it to her tits. There was just no way it could be holding onto her otherwise.

The pink haired Kunoichi turned to scowl at her teammates, her mood soured by the fact that her crush was very clearly a breasts man (as was Kiba, but the fucks she gave about that could be counted on a fingerless hand) and she was flat chested, but then she felt a pair of very soft, very warm things resting on her head, and slender hands reach for each of her teammates, pulling them close together. She blushed at the embarrassment, knowing what the things she felt were, and at the close contact she now had with Sasuke as the bartender pressed all three of them together.

"You guys are just too adorable! I can't even remember when I was a cute little genin like you!"

Kakashi then laughed openly. "Don't worry, guys, and take consolation on this. At least you'll never be as bad a genin as she was."

"Wha-?" Sasuke was very clearly confused beyond words at this point.

The bartender stood up and puffed her cheeks. "Why did you need to bring that up!? Besides, what did they do to merit the comparison?"

"I, uh, kinda threw an eraser at him for being later and hit him in the face." Kiba admitted, looking at least slightly guilty over the fact.

"That's not so bad." Naruto said, petting him in the head, getting him to blush intensely. The dog had jumped out of its confinement, and was now staring at its master and how he fell prey to Naruto's ministrations, turning into putty in her hands.

"What did you do?" Kiba asked, well and truly curious.

"I punched Sensei!" She admitted, cheerfully.

"That doesn't sound that bad…" Sasuke muttered.

"Yeah, well, what she didn't tell you, Sasuke, is that she punched her teacher right in the groin. Twice." Kakashi said. "Jiraiya-sama was singing soprano for like a week after that."

Hearing the name, Sakura found a whole new respect for the bartender.

Naruto just blushed and scratched the back of her neck. Only vaguely, Sakura noted, did she realize that this woman was actually as much of a trained killer as herself… and given the fluidity and grace of her movement…

… It was very likely that she was a damn good one at that.

It was with that thought that Sakura began to debate with herself whether or not she'd just found a role model.

* * *

If you hadn't guessed, yes, Naruto is in fact older than the rookies. How much older? Well, it wouldn't be all that good a fanfic if I didn't explain that in-story, right? But if you can't wait, she's very much legal.

There was a bit of a... um... race between Mikoto and Kushina that ended up making this universe happen. And yes, Jiraiya was her jounin sensei. And he owns the biggest and most high class brothel in the land. Because why the hell not, this fic was built from 'Why Not's!


End file.
